Why your child may prefer one parent (and how to deal with it)

It can be tough when your child prefers one parent. Here’s what you need to know about parental preference (and how to deal with rejection).

“No! I want Mummy to do it!”

These words can be like a dagger to the heart for so many parents of young children.

It can also be hurtful when a moody teenager treats one parent with mild disdain while showering the other with affection.

Although experts reassure that such behaviours are common childhood and adolescent phases, they acknowledge that — in extreme cases — it can put a strain on family dynamics.

The pain of parental rejection

Let’s face it, rejection is hard for anyone.

For the parent who is out in the cold, it can stir feelings of jealousy and resentment towards their partner, while the preferred parent may feel guilty at being the obvious favourite and exhausted from being the go-to for everything and anything.

Child, adolescent, and family psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg urges parents in this situation to support each other through it by talking openly with one another about their feelings.

Ensuring that both parents spend one-on-one time with the child is also beneficial.

That could mean the ignored parent arranges a fun activity they can do with the child.

Or perhaps the preferred parent could agree to stand down and pretend to be busy when the child wants them so the overlooked parent can step in.

Why children play favourites

Dr Carr-Gregg says parents need to know it is common for children to show a preference for one parent over the other, particularly in the early childhood years.

It’s usually the young child’s way of asserting their independence and testing their decision-making powers.

“In my experience, having a preference for one parent is very normal child behaviour,” Dr Carr-Gregg says.

“The relationship between a child and an attachment figure forms early in life and can become a selective thing.

The reasons why toddlers may develop a preference for one particular parent might be inconsistencies or differences in parenting styles — especially in a co-parenting situation — or just because there’s one parent who more routinely does things for them.”

Shifting dynamics

As a child grows older, they may again start to exhibit similar patterns of behaviour and prefer one parent over another.

That can be a response to changes in the child’s life — such as the addition of a new baby to the family or a marital break-up — or they simply prefer one parent’s approach over another at that particular time.

Maybe one parent is less strict or feels more fun because they like games and roughhousing.

Perhaps the favoured parent has been the primary carer and therefore they become more associated with a sense of stability.

“This behaviour is not an indication of one parent being better or more loved than the other,” Dr Carr-Gregg assures.

How to manage parental preference

Queensland University of Technology academic Dr Rebecca English empathises with the heartache of seeing a child focus their affection on one parent.

“Imagine being mum who does everything and then they love dad better?” she says.

Dr English adds this sort of behaviour is most common in children who are about two years old but it can prove tiresome when children continue to favour or rely on one parent more than the other.

“I’m a mum and I will be in the bathroom and the kids will walk past their dad to ask me if they can have a piece of bread with jam or, when I’m done, can they ride their scooters,” she says.

“So, one of the downsides is that it’s very frustrating and, in my case, still going on even though my youngest is seven and his brother is 10.

But it’s equally frustrating for their father, who’s perfectly capable of watching them ride their scooters or even butter some bread and add jam.”

5 things to stop doing when your child plays favourites

Recognise that having a favourite parent is normal and focus on the different roles each parent plays in the child’s life.

Be aware of hurt feelings and give the other parent time and space to talk openly about their feelings.

Emphasise the unique strengths of each parent when alone with the child and avoid making comparisons.

Ensure that both parents spend one-on-one time with the child and create new traditions to help level the playing field when a child favours one parent.

Be patient as the child grows and matures.

More on parenting:

• What’s your parenting style – and do these labels matter?
• Parenting dilemmas: Should you let your kids watch the news?
• Jacqui Felgate: ‘For parenting there’s no instruction manual’
• Parenting dilemmas: When can I leave my child home alone?

Written by Siobhan Duck.