Are we overparenting our teens? A top psychiatrist weighs in
Navigating the rollercoaster ride that is parenting teens? Psychiatrist Dr Jo Prendergast answers some of your most common – and curly – questions.
Psychiatrist and successful stand-up comedian Dr Jo Prendergast merges mental health insights with laughter to forge deep connections with her audience.
This dynamic mother-of-two uses comedy as her secret weapon to tackle life’s toughest moments.
Her award-winning comedy shows and teen parenting book When Life Sucks share crucial mental wellness messages in an entertaining way.
“I’ve recently graduated from parenting teens myself,” Dr Jo says.
“My kids would probably give me a C-plus average for my parenting, (but) I think I deserve a solid B.”
We ask Dr Jo some curly questions on parenting teens – here are her answers.
Should my teen get a part-time job?
Dr Jo says part-time jobs can give teens a sense of responsibility, competency and independence.
“It helps them get a sense of the value of money and how hard it is to live off a minimum wage job, plus it helps them be less reliant on the Bank of Mum and Dad,” Dr Jo explains.
An added bonus is it can help them realise what sort of work they don’t want to do.
“Supermarket work helped my son decide that university was worth a go,” Dr Jo says.
But she warns there can be potential pitfalls.
“It can be exhausting for teens, especially around exam time, and parents often end up being a taxi service,” Dr Jo says.
She advises making sure the job is easy to get to, is a safe and supportive environment, and is flexible enough so that your teen can get time off around exams.
Are we overparenting our teens?
Dr Jo says many parents are unintentionally becoming “helicopter parents”, hovering over their teens and sending down rescue ropes at the first sign of distress.
“Unfortunately, research suggests overparenting is actually increasing the rates of anxiety and depression in teens,” she says.
“We are not allowing teens to learn through trial and error and to develop a sense of competency.”
Dr Jo advocates for “benign neglect” – where parents intentionally step back and do less.
“This allowed my teens to become competent (at) cooking dinner when they were hungry and doing their laundry when they had nothing clean to wear,” she adds.
“And yes, they set off smoke detectors and flooded the laundry, but they now know how to turn off smoke detectors and mop the laundry floor.”
Dr Jo suggests parents stay calm when their teens are trying something new – but let your kids know you are available if they need you.
How do I communicate with my grunting, eye-rolling teen?
When communicating with teens, Dr Jo says it is important to avoid giving a TED talk.
“All they hear is blah, blah, blah,” she says.
Instead, if your teen says something upsetting or that you disagree with, Dr Jo suggests you breathe, listen, validate their feelings on the topic and ask open-ended questions to avoid getting a grunt in response.
Dr Jo also recommends using “drop and run” comments.
This involves making a simple statement to sow the seed of an idea – for example, “I find walking outside helps when I’m stressed” – and then walking away before they can tell you you’re wrong.
Considering when and where to talk is also important.
“The best places can include in the car when there’s no direct eye contact, when doing something together like board games or chores, or even via text if your teen communicates more easily through written messages,” Dr Jo suggests.
What can I do if my teen won’t do what is asked of them?
It can be stressful when teens start challenging the rules or talking back, but Dr Jo explains this is a normal part of development.
She suggests picking your battles.
“Try to agree on consequences in advance and only have consequences you can actually enforce, such as changing the home Wi-Fi password,” Dr Jo says.
She suggests allowing natural consequences to occur, as long as it is safe to do so, such as letting them fail an exam or get detention at school.
And be curious about why your teen is saying no.
“Sometimes it’s anxiety or bullying that makes a teen not want to do something,” Dr Jo explains.
She says teens may become very irritable and negative if they are struggling with their mental health.
“Before we tell our teens off for behaving badly, ask them if they are doing OK.”
Should I allow boyfriend / girlfriend sleepovers?
It’s no surprise that romantic sleepovers are a prickly issue for parents of teens.
But, Dr Jo says, they can help avoid dishonesty while helping with open conversations about sex and navigating relationships.
Allowing romantic sleepovers also reinforces that sex isn’t wrong and that first sexual experiences can occur in the safety of home rather than a car or the park – besides, banning things often means teens do it anyway, she explains.
Dr Jo says one disadvantage of romantic sleepovers is that they may intensify the emotional side of the relationship.
“Hugging all night releases the oxytocin hormone which bonds people, and this may make break-ups more distressing,” she notes.
More on parenting teens:
- Is your teen hanging with a bad crowd? Here’s what to do
- Why you need to think twice about offering alcohol to teens
- Teenage drivers: How to help your P-plater drive safely
- Is your teen self-harming? Warning signs and how to help
- Why sexual consent chats with kids don’t have to be weird
Written by Bianca Carmona.
