Broken hearted? 6 tips to handle Christmas post break-up
If you’ve just split up, getting into the festive spirit may be the last thing you feel like doing. Here’s how to navigate your emotions amid all that Christmas cheer.
Break-ups are devastating at any time of year, but when you’re being bombarded by images of happy families hugging under Christmas trees, it can be downright unbearable.
And while it’s supposed to be the season to be jolly, research shows Christmas is also the season to end a relationship.
So, if you find yourself broken-hearted over the holidays, you’re not alone – and there are ways to cope amid the mistletoe and merriment.
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1. Acknowledge your pain
Clinical hypnotherapist and counsellor at Trish Dewberry says the absence of a partner to share the festivities can generate a deep sense of loneliness at this time of year.
“The effects of a break-up can be devastating and … create long-term distressing emotions akin to grief,” Trish says.
Psychologist Elizabeth Ryan, author of Heart-Centred Parenting, says the first step to getting over a break-up is to accept your feelings without judgement.
“We may feel wounded, angry, rejected, bereft, a failure, betrayed, let down, disillusioned or abandoned,” Elizabeth says.
Extreme reactions, such as wishing our ex-partner harm, may be frightening but, Elizabeth says, “If we leave space for them, they will pass organically”.
2. Allow yourself time to grieve
Research shows romantic love can be addictive because feel-good neurochemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin are released when you are in love.
“Attachment relationships are coded in the brain the same as life and death,” Elizabeth says.
“So, separating from someone we have loved can be really devastating, regardless of who ended the relationship.”
She says it’s important to allow yourself time to heal at your own pace.
“Know that the process of detaching from a partner … has a beginning and an end,” she says.
3. Don’t play the blame game
Blaming yourself after a break-up is common, Trish says, but losing perspective will lead to “deep anger and bitterness”.
“Many people become obsessed with what they may have done to create the split, or what they should have done to prevent it,” she says.
4. Seek support from others
Separation can stretch our emotional resources to the limit, so it’s important to have support, Elizabeth advises.
“Reach out to others for company and emotional support and be humble in admitting the pain you’re experiencing and what you need,” she says.
Trish recommends surrounding yourself with people who love you.
“Seek connection with those you feel safe with,” she says.
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5. How not to handle a break-up
If you feel like the world is coming to an end after a break-up, there’s a scientific reason.
Experimental research using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) has found that social exclusion and rejection activate the same region of the brain that lights up when participants experience physical pain.
Elizabeth says danger signs to watch for include self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, considering self-harm, thinking loved ones are better off without us or considering revenge.
If you are struggling, seek help by contacting a 24/7 mental-health service such as Beyond Blue, Lifeline or Kids Helpline.
6. Plan for a brighter future
Breaking up may feel like the end, but it can also be the beginning.
Research has found separation, particularly in unhealthy relationships, encourages personal growth and a rediscovery of self.
Trish says while at Christmas we often look back at the year, if you’re newly separated you should use the break to look forward.
“Planning some positive events or even life changes in the new year can shift the perspective and create hope,” she says.
Written by Dimity Barber.
