This is what It Ends With Us can teach us about childhood trauma

It Ends With Us isn’t just another chick flick. Here’s why talking to kids about family violence and childhood trauma is so important.

The alarming statistics on family and domestic violence in Australia continue to make news headlines around the country.

Now a newly released movie brings the issue to the big screen.

It Ends With Us, a film adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s hard-hitting book, puts the spotlight on childhood trauma experienced as a result of family violence.

It follows Lily Bloom, played by Hollywood star Blake Lively, as she tries to break the cycle of abuse that started in her childhood.

With two in five Australians having witnessed family and domestic violence before the age of 18, we ask Berry Street Take Two director Dr Allison Cox about the lasting effects of trauma on a child’s emotional, cognitive and physical development, and how adults can provide support.

How do children experience trauma?

A traumatic experience can be anything from a car accident or natural disaster to family violence, and Dr Cox says children have a unique response.

“The nature of children is that they’re generally very egocentric, so they often think everything’s about them,” she says.

“So if something bad has happened in the family, they might think it’s because of something they did.”

And it’s not only young kids who feel the effects – even unborn babies can experience trauma.

“We often think about pregnancy and babies being in a blissful and somewhat protected state but, unfortunately, that’s not always true,” Dr Cox says.

At first, she explains, a baby in utero can respond to their mother’s raised heart rate or breathing rate.

Then, as the baby grows, they’ll  begin to hear sounds outside the body and can become stressed by extended crashing, banging or raised voices.

“Once the baby is born, hopefully they get lots of soothing and nurturing sounds and movements,” Dr Cox says.

“But if they get lots of loud sudden noises or movements, then they’ll have a startle reflex.

“All of those mini traumas are minor day-to-day (events), but if they’re repeated and not backed up by lots of cuddles and nice soothing responses, then that can become a cumulative trauma response for the infant.”

At all ages, trauma has a cumulative impact.

“So if you’ve experienced one traumatic event, that can prime you to then experience a subsequent event as more traumatic,” Dr Cox notes.

How does trauma affect children?

Besides impacting their learning and development, Dr Cox says trauma can leave a child feeling confused and anxious.

“Lots of studies have shown there’s a really strong association between a child being exposed to maltreatment or family violence, and then going on to have mental health difficulties – both in their childhood (and) teenage years, and into adulthood – if they don’t get the right assistance,” she says.

The effects can become physical too.

“Sometimes cardiac or respiratory problems can be a result of someone’s fight or flight response being sustained over a long period,” Dr Cox says.

In childhood, these difficulties often manifest as a hypervigilance to danger.

“So a child expects there to be danger around the corner and finds it really hard to relax,” Dr Cox says.

“From this we see high rates of anxiety and depression because they don’t necessarily see a way out of the situation they’re in.”

Each child deals with trauma differently, but Dr Cox says these signs may suggest a child isn’t coping:

• Trouble with learning and performing everyday activities at school
• Difficulty with social relationships
• Being highly reactive to disagreements or changed plans
• Difficulty sleeping
• Regression in their development, for example in toilet training
• Separation anxiety

How to support a child who’s experienced trauma

Support starts with a safe and dependable adult whom a child can rely on.

Dr Cox says the role of this adult is to be there when a child wants to talk, help prevent continued trauma, and explain what has happened.

“To help a child understand what has occurred, we should be using language that’s at the right level for the child’s age and understanding,” Dr Cox says.

Here professional guidance can help an adult to frame age-appropriate conversations, especially where family violence is involved.

“It’s important that we help children understand that people who use violence are the ones who are responsible for doing that, nobody else,” Dr Cox says.

These conversations may also need to repair relationships and shift how a child perceives their protective parent.

“If there’s been a family dynamic where the person using violence has been highly critical of the protective parent (for example, telling them they’re a bad parent), then the child can start to believe this once out of the dangerous situation,” Dr Cox says.

According to Dr Cox, it may take time and the help of a professional to reverse that narrative and assure the child that their protective parent is doing everything to keep them safe.

More on children’s wellbeing:

• Why sexual consent chats with your kids need to be the norm
• Have a child with ADHD? Here’s how to support your family
• 5 ways to help your child handle friendship friction
• Why school anxiety is rising and how to help your child

Written by Hayley Hinze.