WELLBEING

Not-so-sexy-times: What’s driving our lack of sex?

22 March, 2022 . 0

Interest in sexual activity is falling across the globe, so how can you “bring sexy back” – and do you want to?

Feeling a little less frisky than usual, or perhaps you would – as Boy George once famously quipped – “rather a cup of tea than sex”?

You’re far from alone.

An Indiana University study of more than 8500 individuals between 2009 and 2018 found people are having less sex than we used to and we’re also less interested.

According to the study, it’s not just the frequency of sexual intercourse that’s decreased in that nine-year timeframe.

Researchers also found significant differences in sexual repertoire for adults and adolescents, decreases in solo and partnered masturbation, oral sex and anal intercourse.

The National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles in the UK showed a similar decline in sexual activity and interest over the past two decades, and locally, the Sex in Australia 2 study revealed the amount of sex we’re having within relationships had decreased in the 10 years prior to 2014.

So what gives? Should we all just buy shares in Dilmah and look into the company of 20 cats?

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What is contributing to a fall in sex drive?

Over the past decade, there has been much debate about the impact screen time is having on our romantic relationships.

Sexologist Chantelle Otten says phones could be a huge factor in our declining desire levels. “Previously, we would get our dopamine hits between the sheets, but now we’re getting it from our mobiles by accessing apps that give us the same rewards in the brain’s pleasure centre,” Chantelle says.

“At a time when we’re all busy and struggling to prioritise sex and struggling to prioritise our erotic selves, many are opting to get the same rewards by what’s quick and easy – even if we don’t realise that’s what we’re actually doing.”

Couples therapist and sexologist Isiah McKimmie says our increasing reliance on tech is one thing, but the fallout from Covid-19 is also playing a large role in our indifference.

“The pandemic has impacted mental health across the globe so we’re all feeling tired, overwhelmed, traumatised or, if we’re casually dating or actively looking for a partner, we’re unsure how to proceed without taking a risk on our health,” Isiah says.

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How to get back your sex drive

“If you’re happy with having less sex or no sex and your reluctance to engage isn’t causing any issues or distress, don’t worry about what these studies say,” Chantelle says.

“Sex drives fluctuate wildly and everyone should be aiming for more quality sex than quantity.”

Isiah agrees, adding our focus should be looking at how we connect with others and how well we balance the digital world with our genuine connections.

“That’s what’s important for human beings, not how much sex we’re having,” she says.

Both sexologists recommend working out what your sexual brakes and your sexual accelerators are.

“For example, under brakes you would list anything that’s getting in the way of you wanting sex, such as potential health issues, anxiety, overwork or other lifestyle factors and for accelerators you would list things that turn you on, the things that would need to happen in order to want sex such as time off, a long bath, drinks with friends, loving touch,” Isiah says.

It’s then a process of asking yourself what changes you can make to prioritise the items in your accelerate list.

You can always have that cup of tea afterwards.