WELLBEING

Is it OK if married couples hardly ever have sex?

26 August, 2022 . 0

Is there a ‘normal’ number of times a week married couples and long-term partners should make love for a happy sex life? Here’s what the experts say.

So your partner reckons “everyone else” is having sex all the time (or at least three or four times a week).

If you’ve always wondered just how far off the mark that particular declaration is, the answer may surprise you.

According to research published in Archives of Sexual Behaviour, the average married couple has sex approximately 51 times a year, or around once a week.

“Sometimes for married couples, sex tends to fade to background as other things take the forefront, like health, wellness, money, kids and stress,” Lovehoney psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten says.

“These factors can become brakes for your libido, but it’s also important to understand that your libido will fluctuate over time so for couples and for individuals there will be highs and lows.”

The question is, when it comes to a happy sex life, just how important is the numbers game?

Not-so-sexy times: What’s driving our lack of sex?

Is there a magic figure for often you have sex?

If you’re keen to put your stock into what science tells us, research published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology reveals couples who have sex once a week are the happiest.

That said, couples therapist and sexologist Isiah McKimmie, insists there is no perfect number that works for all couples.

“There isn’t a set amount of sex that makes for a great relationship, and it’s normal for two partners to have different ideas of how much sex they want,” Isiah says.

“What’s important is that couples work together to find sexual enjoyment that works for both of them.

“There is research to show that variety is important in a couple’s sex life and 12 new sexual activities per year is optimal.”

Isiah says this can include trying different positions, or the use of new toys.

Chantelle agrees, insisting couples should never compare the ins and outs of their relationship with others’.

“Relationships are as individual as the people in them,” Chantelle says.

“If you’re not having sex or there isn’t much happening on the sexual menu and you’re both happy, then that is completely fine.

“Sex doesn’t have to be there to have a good relationship as long as both parties are happy and feel supported.”

Lost your libido? How to fire up your sex drive

What if your desire for sex doesn’t align with your partner’s?

So what if one of you is happy with once a week and the other wants more?

What if you’re keen to boost your libido to match your partner’s but don’t know where to start?

First of all, it can be helpful to know that you’re far from alone if you’re just not “feeling it” lately.

“According to Lovehoney’s 2022 Global Sexual Health survey, one in four (25.1 per cent) of Aussie vulva owners and 21 per cent of Australian penis owners say they’re impacted by their own personal low desire,” Chantelle says.

One easy way to rewrite your sexual journey is by looking at the mechanics of sexual desire almost as though it’s a car with brakes and accelerators (work with us on this one), Isiah says.

“Sexual brakes include lack of connection in a relationship, regular arguments, negative sexual beliefs, poor body image and performance anxiety, while accelerators can include a strong connection, playfulness and fun in a relationship, loving touch, lingerie and sexy text messages,” she explains.

“The biggest mistake people make when trying to ignite their sex life is they focus on adding accelerators without removing the brakes.”

Through teamwork, you’ll need to do both at the same time.

Communication and forward-planning is also essential, says Chantelle.

She recommends scheduling regular date nights, setting time aside to spend quality and intimate time together and spending more time on outercourse and foreplay than rushing straight to penetration.

“Solo play, too, is a great way to explore your body and sexuality in a safe space, building your confidence and desire,” Chantelle says.

“It acts like a pilot light, flaming your libido.”

Of course, if you find you’re still struggling to align with your partner, or boost your libido, you can contact a sex therapist to help you find your flame.