WELLBEING

Is a sleep divorce the key to better sleep?

12 August, 2024 . 0

If your partner’s snoring, tossing and turning or trips to the bathroom are waking you up at night, you might want a sleep divorce. But does it work?

According to a recent sleep survey, 36 per cent of Aussies sleep alone, half of whom live with their partner but choose to have separate bedrooms.

But this act doesn’t signal death to a relationship — in fact, being better rested can improve things between you.

Why sleeping apart carries a negative connotation

Whether you know from the get-go that you don’t sleep well when you share a bed with your partner or find this is the case down the line, the decision to sleep apart — or get a “sleep divorce” — can mean better rest.

Yet you may still get raised eyebrows when the topic arises.

That’s because many people hold strong beliefs and strict rules on what a loving relationship looks like, and sleeping together is viewed as “a must do”, psychologist and couples therapist Phoebe Rogers explains.

“We can tend to project our relationship rules and expectations onto others,” Phoebe says.

“We start to think a couple mustn’t really be happy if they sleep apart, and that it points to underlying relationship issues — this is just not the case,” Phoebe says.

Sleep Health Foundation CEO Moira Junge says the term “sleep divorce” in itself can carry negative connotations.

“It’s a stigmatising term (but) when both parties are happy to get better sleep — and therefore they are healthier and so is the relationship — it can be a relationship saviour,” Moira says.

Why you and your partner might sleep better apart

“We can have different approaches to sleep and how we value sleep, and then there’s circadian mismatch,” Moira says.

Perhaps, she says, you have fallen in love with a night owl, but you like to go to bed at 10pm.

“You might think, ‘We have to go to bed together at the same time,’ but that’s when problems can develop; when the person who prefers to be up late is in bed two hours too early, tossing and turning, or the other one wants to wake at 5am,” Moira says.

What are the benefits and risks of a sleep divorce?

Sleeping solo can make for a more restful night and, therefore, a well-rested person — which can contribute to a more harmonious relationship.

While p oor sleep can make us more irritable and aggressive, research also shows better sleep can make us less prone to feeling rejected.

On the flipside, if you choose to sleep apart, intimacy can suffer so it’s a good idea to schedule it in, Phoebe says.

“Happy couples prioritise intimacy to stay close and connected,” she says.

“Have regular check-ins where you discuss how close and connected you’re each feeling and what you need.”

Moira says when it comes to your sleeping arrangements, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

“You just might not spend the whole night together, but you can do so at the start of the night or in the morning, or maybe it’s not every single night,” she explains.

How to talk about a sleep divorce

You might not be on the same page as your partner when it comes to sleeping separately.

“The trickiest part is when one person in the relationship isn’t on board with the idea,” Moira says, adding that some people put a high value on sleeping in the same bed.

Phoebe recommends starting the conversation with a soft tone, mentioning that you would like to talk about sleep and asking when a good time would be to chat.

“Raise your feelings, concerns and needs, and ask your partner what feelings arise for them around this,” Phoebe suggests.

“Start with listening and understanding, rather than jumping straight into problem-solving; really try to empathise with your partner’s concerns.”

If you come to a standstill, reach out to a couples therapist to help you make this change in a positive way, without damaging your relationship.

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Written by Samantha Allemann.