Parenting

How to celebrate Father’s Day if dad’s not around

31 August, 2022 . 0

From card making to gift buying, kids love dad’s big day. But what if he isn’t in their life? Here are ways to help your child navigate the occasion.

If your child’s father is no longer around, it’s understandable if you’re tempted to try and wish Father’s Day away – particularly if you’re still coming to terms with the loss or absence yourself.

The day, and all the rituals around it, can potentially stir up all sorts of feelings for kids, such as jealousy, anger, sadness and anxiety, says psychologist Claire Nulsen, of Kids Are Kids! Therapy and Education Centre.

“The important thing to remember is that all children are different and so they will all have different reactions,” Claire says.

“Some children may not find this day to be difficult at all, whereas other children may feel very distressed by Father’s Day and could experience a range of emotional responses.”

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Tackle Father’s Day head-on

Child psychologist Deirdre Brandner says there are many reasons your child’s dad may not be in the picture, such as death, divorce or estrangement.

And, of course, some kids have two mums or a solo mum.

Whatever the reason, Deirdre says some parents’ instincts might be to cover up or downplay the day.

But, she advises, it is best not to ignore it.

“For any psychological issue involving young children, they go to the adult in their life, the parent in their life, for direction, and we need to be seen to be open to those discussions, even if they’re painful for us,” Deirdre says.

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Don’t assume you know how your child is feeling

Children can feel very alone in their feelings, Deirdre says.

So it’s important to have clear, honest and open-ended conversations about Father’s Day so you can acknowledge how your child is actually feeling – rather than making assumptions.

“We want to model that nothing’s so bad you can’t talk about it,” Deirdre says.

But, she adds, if your teenage child doesn’t want to discuss it, you should respect that too.

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Get on the front foot

Claire suggests finding out what types of activities your child’s school is planning, and asking your child what they’d like to do.

“Perhaps they would like their mother to attend, or an uncle or grandparent or step-father,” she says.

Deirdre says it’s a particularly good idea to communicate with the teacher if your child is new to the school or family circumstances have recently changed.

Don’t wrap your kids in cotton wool

Deirdre warns against keeping your child home during school Father’s Day activities.

“I think staying home from that is avoiding what is a reality in this child’s life,” she says.

“It’s about noting that: ‘Father’s Day is tricky for you … but you’ve got lots of wonderful friends at school. I know your teacher understands. If you’ve got big feelings, you talk to mum about it or you talk to your teacher about it.’”

What to do on Father’s Day

Encourage your kids to come up with a few ideas to mark the day, Claire says.

“They might want to have an enjoyable family activity planned or spend time with a special male person in their life.”

If he has passed, your family might decide to create a new ritual, such as taking part in an activity your dad used to enjoy – for instance, gardening, surfing or having a picnic, Deirdre suggests.

If the loss is fresh, you could start in a low-key way – by enjoying dad’s favourite biscuits, for example.

“Don’t say to kids: ‘This is all we’re ever going to do to remember dad.’ Be honest –say: ‘It’s a bit tricky for mum thinking about how we’re going to celebrate,’” Deirdre says.

But do encourage your kids to start thinking of ideas to mark the day next year.

Or even just decide to have two Mother’s Days if that feels right for your family.

“If mum’s doing lots of dad things, there’s nothing wrong with mum being celebrated twice a year, because she’s doing double the work,” Deirdre says.