Living with your ex: Is it crazy or can it work?
More Australians are living together after they break up to save money, but it doesn’t have to be a doomed experiment. Here’s how to make it a success.
On the surface, living with your ex might sound like a nightmare, but it’s a reality for many Australians – and it’s not necessarily as bad as it may seem.
Rising interest rates, cost of living pressures and housing shortages are having an impact on our lives in more ways than one as many Australians are now choosing to continue living with their former partners long after they’ve split to save money.
A recent Finder survey of 1010 people found one in seven Australians has lived with their ex, with 15 per cent having previously lived with their ex and 4 per cent currently doing so.
Millennials (26 per cent) are the most likely to continue living with their ex, followed by Gen Z (21 per cent).
While many people couldn’t imagine living with their former partner, financial pressure and lack of housing are the driving factors.
According to the latest PropTrack Rental Report, median weekly rent has rose 4.3 per cent in the September 2022 quarter, a 10.3 per cent jump year-on-year, the highest growth in the past seven years.
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How to make living with your ex work
“You need to have open and honest conversations, setting healthy boundaries,” Core Confidence Coaching dating and relationship expert Andrew Gung says.
“The boundaries put in place must allow both of you to grow.
“You can’t have rules where you can’t date anyone because you need to be able to move on with your life and allow the other person to do the same.”
Creating space between one another and respecting each other’s privacy will help.
“Having personal space, including your own bedroom and bathroom, if possible, plays a key role as it will help you to disconnect from one another,” Andrew says.
“Hit the gym more, start a new hobby that will develop your mental growth, or catch up with friends more regularly.
“These are practical things you can do to shift your mindset from any negative energy within the home, while at the same time setting you up for what’s next.”
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Set up ground rules for living with your ex
Who does the housework? How do you occupy shared spaces? Setting ground rules for all types of situations is critical to take the guesswork out of any potential sticky situation.
“When you’re falling out of a relationship, arguments and resentment starts,” family lawyer Cassandra Kalpaxis says.
“Setting up rules and rosters – including for splitting bills, cleaning, and even things like taking the dog for a walk – are very important to ensure the resentment and animosity that might be there as a result of the separation doesn’t get fuelled by the lack of assistance around the home.”
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Legal factors to protect yourself living with your ex
There are also key legal factors each person must be aware of in order to protect themselves, whether it’s a marriage or de facto relationship breakdown.
The Family Law Act 1975 defines a de facto relationship as when the couple has been living together for two years.
“Really clear communication about what the situation is going to look like for both parties is paramount because without that most couples will end up in the Family Court,” Cassandra says.
“So having a conversation and setting up the ground rules before the wheels fall off the wagon is very important.
“This includes where you’ll go if communication breaks down, such as a mediator, involving a lawyer or simply consulting family and friends.
“Having a really clear understanding of what the next step would be is important and provides clarity for both parties.”
Andrew Gung’s five tips to successfully live with your ex
- Set clear and healthy boundaries: Including the ability to date other people and have friends over.
- Respect each other’s privacy: Sleep in separate bedrooms and, if possible, have separate bathrooms.
- Set up a roster: Including for cleaning, cooking and walking/looking after pets, TV time.
- Put a written agreement in place: Including ownership of shared items and splitting bills.
- Don’t bring home a date: Always go to the other person’s home to avoid major complications.
Written by Kate Salemme.
