Playing favourites with your kids? How to distribute the love more equally
Experts say having a favourite child is not uncommon – but it can be harmful. So how do you keep a healthy balance in your family?
Ask most mums and dads and they’ll insist (at least publicly) that they love all of their kids equally.
However, clinical psychologist and The Favorite Child author Dr Ellen Weber Libby says while parents may love all of their children equally, they’re lying when they say they have no favourites.
“It’s impossible to treat any two kids the same because no two children are the same, no two parents are the same and, of course, no two times are the same,” Dr Libby says.
Child and adolescent psychologist Dr Michael Carr-Gregg agrees that there are going to be times you favour one child over another.
“If your child is going through, say, a rough adolescent time and they’re rude and dismissive of you, then it’s very normal you go off them for a while,” Dr Carr-Gregg says.
What does having a favourite child look like?
Password child, golden child – call it what you will, favouring one child over another is real.
Seventy-four per cent of mums and 70 per cent of dads reported preferential treatment toward one child in one study published in the Journal of Family and Psychology.
Another paper found that last-born kids are most likely to be the ones mums are most emotionally close to, while first-borns are the ones they turn to when facing personal problems.
Personality and shared interests also lead parents to be drawn to a particular child, the experts say.
“Some kids are more easygoing, they know how to read the room, and their social and emotional competencies are well developed – and so they’re easier to get along with,” Dr Carr-Gregg says.
Parents might also empathise with children who are disadvantaged in some way, he adds, such as having a chronic disease, and so the natural response is to try to compensate for that.
Playing favourites can be harmful
If, as a parent, you have a clear favourite and don’t bother to hide it, you might be contributing to not only sibling tension but also lower self-esteem and anxiety among your children who don’t make the grade, as well as a propensity to get into trouble.
But being a golden child isn’t always all apples, with research showing those perceived to be closest to their mums paid a price, with higher depressive symptoms than their siblings.
So how do you keep a healthy balance at home?
How to be a fairer parent
Be aware
By acknowledging your biases, you can take the first step towards treating all your children equally so that no-one feels unworthy or neglected.
Read the room
“All kids require a parent to make them feel safe, valued and listened to, and there are times when one child will need you more than others – you need to be aware of that,” Dr Carr-Gregg says.
Listen up
There are going to be times when kids think they’re being disadvantaged, even when they’re not, so be receptive to their feelings and respect their viewpoint.
Share the love around
Dr Libby says it’s important for every child to grow up feeling that, at some point in their life, they had that coveted role of being the favourite.
“It gives people a sense of confidence and a sense of importance,” she says.
More advice on raising happy siblings:
Written by Liz McGrath.
