WELLBEING

No one likes your new partner? Here’s what to do

18 November, 2022 . 0

You might have met someone special and think this is The One. But for your loved ones, your new partner is more like The One to Avoid – so, now what?

It’s a story as old as time: you meet someone you think could be pretty significant, take them home to the people you cherish the most and then … fireworks (of the most unpleasant kind).

If your family or friends don’t take to your new partner, does it mean they’ve clocked a warning sign you’re somehow unable to see?

Not necessarily, says psychologist Dr Amanda Ferguson, an author and the podcaster behind Psych for Life.

“It can be an indicator of ‘differentiating’ – which means you could subconsciously be picking someone your friends and family won’t like because you’re exploring your identity, and up until now, you’ve believed they’ve viewed your personality in a way that suits them,” Dr Ferguson explains.

“They might just be uncomfortable with your exploration and the emergence of what could be your authentic self.

“It can sometimes be a case of ‘right partner (and you’re) outgrowing family and friends’.”

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What if people insist your new partner is no good?

Your family and friends might be pointing out why your new beloved is not right for you.

Then what should you do?

This depends entirely on their reasons for not liking your new partner, clinical psychologist and author Dr Rebecca Ray says.

“If they don’t like them because of the way they treat you – for example, they violate your psychological or physical safety – then that is worth listening to,” Dr Ray says. “Sometimes, a new relationship can be clouded by oxytocin, which influences us to overlook or make excuses for behaviours that are problematic or red flags.”

If their concerns are based on a clash in value systems, such as opposing religious views or political stances, or a minor character flaw or “undesirable” physical attribute (obvious tattoos or piercings, for example), then this is less concerning, Dr Ray adds.

“You’re the one in a relationship with this person, and if these things are attractive or perfectly acceptable to you, then other people’s issues with it are not your problem,” she says.

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How to navigate both worlds

You’ve had the difficult conversations and you’re keen to proceed with your relationship – under the steady (and disapproving) gazes of loved ones.

Take a deep breath, brace yourself and focus on the bigger picture where possible, Dr Ray recommends.

“Some issues that can show up could be: discomfort at gatherings when your partner is invited; you and your partner being excluded from events; and a growing disconnection between you and your family as you are forced to be the bridge between them and your partner.”

Dr Ferguson recommends keeping an open mind throughout the process, no matter how hard things feel in the beginning.

“This is all about growth; this is a sign that something is happening deep within you and often this can be a sign of others seeing something that you’ll come to realise was a learning lesson for you.”

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Ways to bridge the divide

If you can find common interests as a way of bringing everyone together, give it a go, Dr Ferguson recommends.

“Find something they can share, something they can each respect or talk about, even if it’s on a superficial level,” she says.

Examples include a shared love of a sport or cuisine.

If your partner and family can agree to attend gatherings in a peaceful manner, Dr Ray suggests giving it a go, but aim for small doses initially.

“If they can’t be trusted to behave appropriately, and with a level of emotional maturity, however, then it might be a better choice to keep them apart.”

If you’re finding the whole situation too stressful, consider seeking support from a trusted healthcare professional such as a psychologist.