Navigating the challenges of a blended family

How do you steer through the complexities of parenting in a blended family? Experts share their tips to foster happy and respectful relationships.

It is estimated one in five families exist as a step or blended family.

For adults in such a situation, navigating changes, continuing relationships with their biological children and establishing relationships with their new partner’s children, take time, effort, patience and empathy. But the end result can be a caring and respectful household, says Phoebe Wallish, of Stepfamilies Australia.

“We know the experience can be positive for children. Growing up in a stepfamily or blended family makes children creative and flexible, and able to get along with a wide variety of people,” Phoebe says.

“And when a couple gets together, they have new hope. When in a previous relationship they may have been devastated, now there is hope for the future and they are looking forward.”

Helping children adjust

Children in step and blended families have already faced big transitions with their parents separating, Raising Children Network executive director Dr Julie Green says.

“When their parents separate, children will experience sadness, anger, jealousy – so everyone involved in the new configuration of a family might be at different points with their own emotions and adjusting to change,” Dr Green says.

“Children will wonder what everyday life is going to be like now their family arrangement has changed and so they need lots of conversations before, during and after the setting up of a step or blended family to manage their uncertainties and questions.”

What to expect

Experts say it takes about two years for everyone to settle into a new home and new routine.

“The first two years are the hardest – after that a lot of the bumps are ironed out,” Dr Green says. “Initially, children may reject or ignore a stepparent and find it hard to relate to them. They need regular quality time with their parent, or parents, and you need to check in with how they are travelling each day. Go at your child’s pace as they get to know the step-parent and step-siblings.

“Make sure children know it is OK to tell you if they have concerns, and that you are committed to working things out together.”

Put young minds at ease about new living arrangements, too.

“Children will be wondering whether they have to move house, whether they will have their own bedroom or have to share with their own siblings or new step-siblings. They might wonder what they will call their stepparent and whether they have to change school. It’s a real help to children if you can listen to where they are at during different points of the transition.”

Managing behaviour

Talk with your partner about what kinds of behaviour you won’t tolerate. Decide what you will ignore and walk away from.

“If there have to be consequences for behaviour, they are better to come from the primary parent,” Phoebe says. “But if something happens and your stepchild is treating you badly, there is nothing wrong with saying, ‘I won’t tolerate you talking to me like that’. The couple then discuss what consequences to implement. But the primary parent needs to be the bad cop.”

Be a good role model

Children take their cues from adults – if adults model good communication, care and respect for one another, children will follow suit.

• Show children warmth, affection, be interested in what they do, and listen to their concerns. Give everyone a chance to talk and be heard.
• Children respond well to routine, such as regular bed times and dinner times. It provides reassurance and security.

Written by Sarah Marinos