WELLBEING

Is micro-cheating crossing the line in your relationship?

1 August, 2023 . 0

If you’re secretly communicating with an ex or flirting with a colleague, it may be time to come clean about micro-cheating. Our relationship experts reveal why.

What does micro-cheating look like to you?

I asked this exact question to a group of friends recently, and responses were as varied as they were enlightening.

“It’s following hot influencers on Instagram and ‘liking’ their photos,” said one friend, while another insisted it was real-life interactions such as dressing up for a work colleague, or flirtatious banter at after-work drinks.

What exactly is micro-cheating?

Clearly, everyone’s got their own idea of what constitutes cheating, but micro-cheating is essentially the act of making small yet inappropriate intimate connections with someone other than your partner.

It could be sharing sexual fantasies and kinks with someone, deleting a text conversation to keep it from your partner, or simply a feeling in your gut, psychotherapist and couple counsellor Melissa Ferrari says.

“If you’re doing something and you’re silently asking yourself, ‘Would I be happy if my partner did this?’, (and) if the answer is no, then you’ve found the line between what’s okay and what isn’t,” Melissa says.

Why does micro-cheating happen?

There are many reasons why you or your partner may veer – intentionally or unintentionally – into micro-cheating territory, but it’s worth considering that the primary relationship may be in trouble, psychologist Dr Amanda Ferguson says.

“The person acting out might be in trouble, feeling insecure, bored, out of their depth or uncomfortable and not knowing why,” Dr Ferguson, who is the author of Life Works: Rediscover Yourself and Transform Your Relationships, says.

“In romantic relationships, our deepest issues are triggered harder and faster than anywhere else in life.”

Micro-cheating: The good and the bad

Ask relationship experts whether micro-cheating can ever be good for a relationship, and the answer is a surprising yes.

“It tells us something is happening – if we pay attention, we can work out what and why it’s happening and what to do about it,” Dr Ferguson says.

“It’s essentially a sign that growth is needed in some way.”

The truth is, not every couple will be able to move past an incident of micro-cheating, but if you’re keen to work on strengthening your relationship and setting new boundaries, which perhaps weren’t previously defined, healthy and regular, dialogue is needed, Melissa says.

How to talk about micro-cheating

“It’s about checking in with each other regularly and asking questions like, ‘What are our thoughts on fidelity and do we still want to be monogamous?’” Melissa says.

“Agreements need to be made so that there’s no confusion down the track.”

Discuss what each of you think crosses the micro-cheating line but, at the same time, take steps to strengthen your relationship so that micro-cheating doesn’t stray into cheating.

Whether you or your partner have gone too far will depend on the relationship, Dr Ferguson says.

“It goes too far when one person in the relationship feels it’s too far for them,” she explains.

“Often there’s been an assumption that each has the same opinion about what constitutes ‘too far’, until it plays out that they don’t.”

Your best bet? Have the conversation early, and keep on having it – doing so can save you from a world of pain later on.

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Written by Dilvin Yasa.