WELLBEING

Why more women file for divorce than men

21 September, 2023 . 0

When the end of a mixed-gender marriage isn’t a mutual decision, in the vast majority of cases, it’s women who decide to leave. Here’s why.

According to statistics, divorce is on the rise in Australia.

And, while 30 per cent of separations between mixed-gender marriages are joint decisions, research shows that in the 70 per cent that aren’t, it’s the woman who initiates leaving in seven out of 10 cases.

Women and divorce: not a quick decision

“I think perhaps it is more common that women are the ones who choose to leave,” family lawyer Cassandra Kalpaxis says.

“But I think for most couples, there is a very long period where they are both fundamentally unhappy and continue to maintain the status quo.”

Cassandra says that for women, this period typically lasts about five years.

“I am seeing more women who, after they grieve their relationships, have built up the strength to actually leave,” she says.

“I think that’s because there’s information readily available now about what divorce looks like, and how to navigate it without the damage we have traditionally seen divorce cause.”

Why women choose to divorce

Cassandra believes a few factors are at play, including women being exhausted in their relationships.

“They’re doing it all and they’re getting tired,” she says.

“As a result, more and more women are also starting to realise they don’t need to rely on a partner – women want to be in a relationship where the load is shared, but they also know they can do things on their own.”

Cassandra says women are also focusing on their careers and themselves, investing in education and upskilling.

“We are less and less inclined to simply take on the role of carer without filling our cups in other ways,” she says.

Life outside of marriage

According to a recent study, it’s a worldwide trend.

When researchers from the University of Houston (UH) in Texas, USA, asked why women around the globe are increasingly opting out of marriage, key reasons included career opportunities and independence.

“Marriage has mostly not been a great situation for women historically and across the world, and they’re trying to find alternative solutions,” UH study researcher Associate Professor Dinah Hannaford says.

“As new opportunities open up for women to be full people without it, they’re opting for that.”

Cassandra says changing attitudes towards marriage in Australia is also playing a role.

“There are women who are choosing to leave because the picture of marriage is no longer something they believe in,” Cassandra says.

“I’m seeing more women who are not interested in staying with one person and are happier to have their emotional needs met by different people, at different stages of life.”

If you’re unhappy, is divorce inevitable?

A recent Relationships Australia report shows that very few Australians say they’d seek professional support if they were having relationship trouble – which is unfortunate considering other research shows relationship counselling may have a positive impact in around 70 per cent of couples.

Psychologist and Sydney Couples Counselling Centre director Dr Rowan Burckhardt says the earlier you seek help as a couple, the easier it can be to resolve the issues.

“I love working with couples, repairing relationships and seeing that change happen,” Dr Burckhardt, who specialises in emotionally focused therapy, says.

“But sometimes couples leave it too late, perhaps because they’re unaware of how effective good therapy can be – and it’s important to note that not all therapy is equal – so that they only seek help when the relationship is beyond repair.

“And when that happens, it’s probably one of the saddest parts of my job.”

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Written by Karen Fittall.