WELLBEING

How to use emotional intelligence to manage your feelings

18 May, 2017 . 0

Whether it’s pulling yourself out of a bad mood or avoiding a bout of the blues, emotional intelligence gives you the power to regulate your emotions for the better.

Sam Shorten recalls being an angry child, unable to handle his emotions.

Angry at the world because he was dyslexic and finding school and home life difficult, Shorten’s anger spilled over at the age of 13 when his parents divorced.

“As I was growing up, my father was in a very depressive, destructive state and I realised I needed to learn how to control my emotions,” Shorten remembers.

“I started to look on the internet to see what I could do; I didn’t want to follow in his footsteps.”

Struggling with that emotional overload eventually led Shorten, 23, to discover how to use emotional intelligence (EI) in his life, and he is forever grateful.

“I learnt that I can stay on an angry road or I can look at my choices and take another more productive road,” he says.

Using emotional intelligence to your advantage

So what is emotional intelligence and why is it being used more often in workplaces and schools as well as gaining greater awareness in today’s society?

Emotional intelligence expert Sue Langley says her definition is simple: “It is the intelligent use of our emotions.”

The term was coined by two scientists, Jack Mayer and Peter Salovey, in the 1990s when they first started looking into whether there was a separate intelligence around emotion.

And Langley says its popularity is continuing to grow.

“Many people come across EI through their workplace and they like what it can do for them, but what generally happens is people will say it’s more important to them in their personal lives. They want to know, ‘How do I apply it with my partner?’ ‘How do I apply it with my kids?’”

Shorten, who hails from the Melbourne seaside suburb of Mentone, says using the tools of emotional intelligence in his life has helped in his career choices.

“Because I’ve known a wide variety of emotions, I can put myself in other people’s shoes.”

The outdoor education teacher wants to be a consultant in positive psychology. It has also helped him develop close relationships and he is no longer afraid of his anger or dyslexia.

“Because I’ve known a wide variety of emotions, I can put myself in other people’s shoes,” Shorten says.

“I learnt to be a good listener when I was young. When I was at school I didn’t speak much. I do now.

“Growing up and learning more about emotional intelligence, I’ve learnt to empathise a lot more. And to talk everything out. I’ve even learnt that anger can sometimes be a good way to set boundaries.

“But anger is the last resort. Put yourself in the other person’s place. Would you like that anger directed at you?

“If you have a problem, talk to the person and sort it out. It is such a simple thing.”

Langley says a good way to think about EI is to observe your emotions and think about whether they control you, or you control them.

“EI tries to examine what’s the underlying emotion you’re experiencing and what can you do about it in a positive way,” she says.

“In your personal life, you might have set yourself a new goal of eating healthily.

“But, what happens when you’re feeling flat, down, tired and you feel like reaching for the pizza tonight? How do you use your emotions to ensure you’re not doing that and you’re instead reaching for the salad in the fridge?”

While most of us have the best of intentions, there are times in our lives when we feel overwhelmed and “an emotional mess”.

How to include emotional intelligence in your daily life

Sam Shorten has learned to regulate his emotions.

Sue Langley says like all practices, emotional intelligence is a work in progress, not a quick fix. But she says there are things we can all do daily that go towards ensuring EI is like a muscle we flex instinctively, without even thinking about it.

“I use a lot of stuff around physiology because I know my body is very linked to my emotions,” she says. “And so I’ve trained myself to smile when I wake up. I practise what I call my ‘Wonder Woman pose’, which is what I need when I want to feel stronger, more confident.

“I make sure I sit up straight in work meetings so that my body language looks open and upbeat, even when I’m feeling down and flat. As I’m doing this every day, I’m adjusting accordingly.

“So, even when something terrible does happen and all I want to do is lie in the foetal position and comfort myself with naughty foods, I’m less likely to do that because I’ve already got those EI strategies to help me. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity. That is EI.

“The last thing I do every night is write down three things that I am grateful for from the day. And I try and do that very mindfully.

“I try and get 30 minutes of exercise every day because I know it’s good for my brain as well as my body.

“Lastly, I keep a journal and at the back of it I have a list of things that help me prioritise my wellbeing. I created a list of things, like spending more time with my partner, going for a meal with people I care about, reading a book, and I have about
20-25 things on my list. Every day, I make sure about five of those have been ticked off.”

Langley says a healthy diet, exercise and quality sleep play a vital role in EI.

She says the brain needs chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin, which is known as the happy hormone.

“Exercise produces dopamine, as does sleep. In diet, foods that are high in dopamine include almonds, bananas and berries